Men are often conditioned to suppress other emotions and feel anger. Although healthy aggression and male activities to expel the aggressing is often healthy emotional regulation tools, we don’t speak about it, see it often enough, or encourage it. What should men do with our aggression? Is a question I frequently get asked in my talks. Discussing healthy emotional regulation skills is very powerful when I engage with men.

The ability to safely and consistently regulate emotions, have the emotional language to express the feelings they feel, and the safe spaces to exert anger, and healthy coping skills, are often lacking for men. Men tend to choose work commitments over self-development, social engagement, and often isolate.

Statistics about domestic violence are equally harsh. The reality is that there are men and women involved in these cases. What is happening with men who are involved? Where do they find help?

Gender-based violence (GBV) in South Africa predominantly affects women; however, men also experience significant levels of GBV, often underreported due to societal stigmas.
Key statistics highlighting GBV against men include:

• • • Prevalence Among Men: A 2023 survey revealed that 42% of men reported experiencing GBV, with patterns differing from those affecting women.
    • Domestic Violence-Related Crimes: In the 2022/2023 fiscal year, men were victims in 51,683 cases of common assault and 8,294 cases of assault with intent to cause grievous bodily harm, indicating substantial male victimisation in domestic settings.

These statistics underscore the importance of addressing GBV as a societal issue that affects all genders, necessitating inclusive support systems and interventions.

Isolation shows up in many forms. We are experiencing a loneliness epidemic. More men are addicted to pornography as a numbing tool, yet we have the highest levels of sexlessness in relationships we have ever seen. Suicidality is linked to social isolation, and the effects of lack of connection are devastating.

Numbing refers to the use of certain behaviours or substances to dull or avoid emotional pain and stress. According to Polyvagal Theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, the autonomic nervous system, particularly the vagus nerve, plays a crucial role in regulating our responses to stress and social engagement. When the vagus nerve functions optimally, it promotes a state of calm and social connectivity. However, chronic stress can dysregulate this system, leading individuals to seek external means, such as numbing behaviours, to manage their internal states.

Some numbing behaviours are more socially acceptable than others, i.e. overworking and overexercising.

Statistics on Numbing Behaviors:

• • • Alcohol Use: Globally, alcohol consumption results in approximately 2.6 million deaths annually, accounting for 4.7% of all deaths.
    • Drug Use: Psychoactive drug use contributes to around 0.6 million deaths per year worldwide.
    • Overeating: While specific global statistics on overeating as a coping mechanism are limited, the rising prevalence of obesity suggests a link between stress and overeating behaviours.
    • Pornography Consumption: The accessibility of online pornography has led to increased consumption, with some individuals developing compulsive behaviours that interfere with daily life. Exact statistics vary, but the trend indicates a growing concern, with some studies suggesting that as many as 85% of men use pornography on a regular basis.
    • Overworking, often termed “workaholism,” can serve as a coping mechanism to distract from unresolved emotional issues or trauma. Individuals may immerse themselves in work to avoid confronting personal challenges, leading to potential mental and physical health concerns. A systematic review and meta-analysis estimated the global prevalence of workaholism at approximately 15.2%, adjusted to 14.1% after accounting for publication bias. Engaging excessively in work can be a strategy to avoid dealing with emotional pain or unresolved trauma. This behaviour may provide a temporary sense of control but often exacerbates stress and leads to burnout. Overworking is sometimes used to cope with feelings of disconnection, emptiness, or lack of purpose, serving as a distraction from personal issues. Chronic overworking is associated with increased risks of heart disease, type 2 diabetes, and other stress-related health conditions. Workaholism has been linked to various psychiatric symptoms, including anxiety and depression.

Engaging in numbing behaviours can be viewed as an attempt to self-regulate in the face of stress or emotional pain. However, these behaviours often provide only temporary relief and can lead to long-term negative consequences, both physically and mentally. Addressing the root causes of stress and developing healthy coping mechanisms are essential for sustainable well-being.